Thoughts on Life and Death… Musings and Sharing

Blogs Kristen

I finally got around to writing an article about a recent video that I published. I was inspired and it ended up being a rather long video at just over 22 minutes… a got a lot of talking in! I also touched on a lot of different topics… I guess you could say it was a little chaotic in that I didn’t really follow any set plan and just went where my thoughts took me. I’ll try to expand on some of those topics in this post. For now, here is the video… more text is below.

OK. Where to start? At the beginning, I guess. Yes, I was abused when I was a child. My sister and I grew up in a household where “children are seen, not heard”, “girls don’t wear pants”, “girls do the housework and cookin'”, “only sluts wear makeup” and pretty much a total hands-off, affection-free household. I don’t remember getting hugged as a young child, unless it was from my sister when we were alone and wouldn’t get in trouble. It didn’t take too many years for us to understand that these “rules” were in place because we were girls and the men were sadistic, sexual predators who would get excited with even a touch of a female hand, even if that hand came from a young child! That kind of environment is completely and totally toxic to grow up in and took me literally decades to recover from! I won’t go into all of the gory details but it involved years of rebellion, being a vagabond, attention seeking behavior and a lack of self-love.

Abused children grow up to become abusers. We all know the scenario. We know the cycle of abuse. But what we don’t all know is the biggest, most important part: THE CYCLE CAN BE BROKEN! Just because you were abused doesn’t mean you are destined to become an abuser!

It probably was a huge help that by the time I got pregnant, I had already dealt with a lot of my own issues. I had gone through all those dark places of self-discovery and learned to become a survivor. I had already learned to love myself, which is something I plan to cover much more in depth in another video series so I won’t go too in depth here, just to say that it took years, it was very hard and honestly, I sometimes thought I wouldn’t make it through! But I did! Don’t get me wrong. I still have issues. I think I always will. I have anxiety disorder and panic attacks, sometimes I still don’t know what’s triggered a panic attack. But I’m still a work in progress… and determined not to traumatize my child in any way! Kids should be happy and are precious!!! Children are our future, so let’s not mess up the future just because we have a messed up past…

When I got pregnant, I decided I wanted to focus on attachment parenting, before it was the “in” thing. To me, parenting was a lot of common sense decisions! I set up a crib right next to my bed with the crib mattress nearly level with mine, so he was just right there all the time. I used a carrier so he was pretty much strapped to my body almost all of the time. I beastfed to give him the best start to life that I could. We avoided saying negative terms around our son often… “no”, “can’t” and things of that ilk were bad words. We didn’t want him learning negative right off the bat. We focused on positive every day. We hugged and snuggled our son all the time, we encouraged him, we gave him lots of smiles and positivity as often as possible (and still do!). We lived in a multi-generational household with my husband’s family and our son was treated like the baby version of the future president! LOL! He was always loved, encouraged and always had family near. It was awesome and I really felt like we were doing this parenting thing right! 🙂 My husband was working on his degree(s) at the time and we were supporting himself with his student subsidies, my online work as a web developer and help from his parents. Luckily, we were able to afford to keep our son on a good diet when he started eating solids. BUT, he always had to sleep with us or in our room… that seems to be something that stuck because ever since he was born, he has always slept in our room or where he could roll over and look through the open doorways to our bed. I don’t mind, to be honest, and I figure the day will come that he wants privacy. I’ll enjoy being able to have him close until then because I know I’ll miss it when he doesn’t want to be so attached anymore! Attachment parenting has been awesome for us as a family! Sure, you sacrifice some “adult privacy” to keep your children more included. Marital intimacy can sometimes suffer (sorry, honey! LOL!) but it won’t last forever. BUT, our son has had the benefit of growing up with a full knowledge of just how loved and treasured he is. He is very confidant, he is open and loving. He is never afraid to share his thoughts or feelings with us, to come up for a random hug “just because” or to share an accomplishment no matter how small, or a failure no matter how big or small it is. I don’t want to seem like I am tooting my own horn, but I feel like we’ve been doing a good job raising our son. He also isn’t afraid to tell me if he feels I am saying something mean, or if I am beginning to lose my temper over something. THAT in itself helps me to keep myself in check and I think he understands this, and he wants to help me to be the best Mommy that I can be. <3

So now we get to my life and death stuff. We aren’t guaranteed any more sunrises. We aren’t guaranteed another day. Why don’t we live each day to it’s fullest?! For most of us, it is FEAR. This has been a huge issue for me.. fear, security and together, fearing a loss of security and stability. BUT, from my insane and crazy rebellious days, I really understand that sometimes the only way to really find the beauty and good in life is to take a chance. Are you ready to take a chance?

We still have lots to do, and lots to come! I hope that you are enjoying your journey on this path with us! Thank you for continuing along with us and remember:




Intro music is a clip from the song “Why” by artist Supaman, album “Illuminatives”.

Used with express permission of the artist. Check out Supaman, he’s an awesome and uplifting guy!

Supaman on Youtube:
“Why” Official Video:

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